god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize