Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
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