I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
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We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
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