my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
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