Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
My cat gives me a boner
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
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