i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
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You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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