Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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