Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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