My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize