is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
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I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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