Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
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This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
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We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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