I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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