I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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