i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
honey bunches of taint.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
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I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
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Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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