what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
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He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
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Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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