mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
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You kept trying to hail an ambulance
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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