You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
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