I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
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On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
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The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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