So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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