we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize