It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
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He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
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Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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