i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
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Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
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Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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