you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
The struggles of a small town man whore
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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