I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
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He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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