Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
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by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
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She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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