The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
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She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
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Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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