how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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