Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
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Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
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That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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