so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize