I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
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just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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