Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
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Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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