A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize