for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
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My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
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Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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