Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
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Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
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Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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