i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
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I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
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It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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