Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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