No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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