They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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