True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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