How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
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You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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