Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
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Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
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Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize