what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
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I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
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I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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