When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
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Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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