xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
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They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
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I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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