Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
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I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
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ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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