So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
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It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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