Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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