They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
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I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
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How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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