I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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