there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
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I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
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I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
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